Monday, August 20th, 2007
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5:17 pm - Akasha's Two-Handed Totemic Narratives
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Thursday, February 1st, 2007
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11:36 am - From my Squat/Studio
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Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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2:57 am - if you get tangled just tango on!
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Why do i do this, why do i write all this dribble.
I feel like the literary loser... i seem to win at life but lose at words and money.
so now i do art, 350 pieces at photobucket.com under tazman2.
2 handed drawing everything comes out like Austin Spare!!
i save all my impotence for my words, spoken an written!
im a great orator...but orators don't get laid, or laid warily.
hows this for clueless:
i heard there might be a big anti-gay demo here in seattle, so i make a tee-shirt for a counter demo that said "The Bible Says Hate Me!" in white letters on a dark blue shirt. so i wander around wearing this thing looking for the demo which it so happens is not until sunday. everyone up on capitol hill loved the shirt... maybe i could make bumperstickers.
i like this quote from the movie GLORY
A deep man believes in miracles, waits for them, believes in magic, believes that the orator will decompose his adversary; believes that the evil eye can wither, that the heart’s blessing can heal; that love can exalt talent; can overcome all odds.
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
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5:05 am - poesy
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Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
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6:38 pm - Ran into erin again!! :)
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Monday, June 5th, 2006
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5:03 pm - encrypt this!!
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Thursday, January 19th, 2006
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8:55 am - Step One Cont.
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2. PROGRESSIVE - Tolerance: takes more to get the job done. With non-substance addictions it takes more money, sex, work, etc. STATE HOW YOU EXPERIENCE THIS PROGRESSION.
often lifted a fifth of 151 from my dad's bar and once woke up face down on someones lawn in sub-zero weather. pushed a cart under the bridge for a few years and the booze pretty much craped out on me. just maintenence and blackouts. would go from mission to mission accumulating clean time. couldn't stay clean on the streets. finally started working the program seriously after checking into a portland drunk tank. i'd reduced myself to smoking road-kill by this point.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
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5:01 pm - Step One outa the workbook
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from http://www.12stepworkbook.org
http://www.12stepworkbook.org/pub/books_one_chapter/07%20Essentials.pdf
SIX ESSENTIAL CHARACTERISTICS OF ALCOHOLISM, AND OTHER ADDICTIONS
The following is to be used as part of our First Step. The idea is to help raise our “bottom”, in other words to help break down our denial. We want to increase our aware-ness of the dynamics of our problem and to increase the pain of holding on to it. Skip 1. Allergy, if the area you are working on is an area other than a form of chemical addiction.
1. ALLERGY - The phenomena of physical craving that kicks in with the first drink of alcohol, slice of cake, pill or any drug, etc. This craving is limited to those with a chemical addiction. STATE YOUR TRIGGER FOOD OR DRUG.
Booze baby!! Fast,Cheap and Out of Control. It's this boat I step into and reality is like a shore that gets farther and farther away until my only reality is the boat.
Also my worst demon now is:Pseudoephedrine and Dextromethorphan (soo-doe-e-FED-rin and dex-troe-meth-OR-fan)
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4:43 pm - 23 Days clean man!
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Almost a frickin month! I'm just a zombie today! Worked on my financial aid for Seattle Central CC. Hung out a Horizon Books on 15th with Malinga the cat. Had a long talk with the bookstore guy about loneliness. Found some good quotes online:
With some people solitariness is an escape not from others but from themselves. For they see in the eyes of others only a reflection of themselves.
- Eric Hoffer
No my friend, darkness is not everywhere, for here and there I find faces illuminated from within; paper lanterns among the dark trees.
- Carole Borges
Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.
- Dag Hammarskjold
Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, Only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
To transform the emptiness of loneliness, to the fullness of aloneness. Ah, that is the secret of life.
- Sunita Khosla
The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, is the central and inevitable fact of human exictence.
- Thomas Wolfe, "Gods Lonely Men"
One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it.
- Vincent van Gogh
I still feel like shit...but google literati shit!
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4:42 pm - Ronnie an Myspace!
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Friday, December 23rd, 2005
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3:47 pm - Day Number 13! Stagnant (i threw I Ching Hex 53)
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Here's a link to my quicky i-ching toss
53 GRADUAL GROWTH FORECAST
"CHIEN : advance by degrees; pentrate slowly and surely, as water; stealthily; permeate
throughout; influence, affect. The ideogram: water and cut."
"[With self-restraint comes influence : Maturing]
One dwells in one's intellectual path to make better the desires of the common people."
In a context of self-restraint we utilise influence.
Commentary
In hexagram 53 is the the transition of a loose 'yielding' relationship to one of firmness and
strength. The penetrating wind restrained. (directed). In the image, by emphasizing one's mental
powers it is hoped that this influences the common people and encourages them to better
themselves. This does not occur overnight, maturing takes time. Contextually, we combine correct
order and completion with modesty and evenness giving gradual development; maturing.
(In the traditional text, the spirit mentioned below is symbolized by a wild swan.)
Hexagram 53 is the specific form of hexagram 51
In a context of self-restraint we utilise influence.
The Traditional Single Changing Line Comments:
Line 1 -
"[One's spirit progressing towards the top]. To the little son are directed dangerousnd
strengtwords. Absolutely no harm in this." (directed). In the image, by emphasizing one's mental
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3:02 pm - Alcoholics Anonymous [AA (!)] has simply got to be one of the most Thelemic groups on the planet
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In 1989 a Thelemic alcoholism counsellor offered his or her services in the 'Caliphate's' "Magical Link"; [193] the same issue mourned the death of the Gnostic Bishop and IX° Richard William Gernon, who had died of an overdose of heroin. The 'Caliphate's' problems with addiction apparently grew so much that an article subsequently appeared in "The Magical Link" saying that "Alcoholics Anonymous [AA (!)] has simply got to be one of the most Thelemic groups on the planet.." [194] And in Germany after April 1988, the so-called 'Sponsors' system for initiations was introduced, "caused by the most recent incidents." [195] Ordo Templi Orientis: Whitewashing the 'Caliphate' ?
HA! HA! HA! HA! God I LOVE IT! It's what i've said all along.....Fuck just look at 'Diary of a Drug Fiend' Frickin GAY AA! It's beyond perfect...control of a raging desire, expanded conciousness/sexuality, basis of compassion, fraternal order, children of chaos (tradition 4), anarchists and anarchistic (tradition 2)... AND a wonderfully safe place to explore your advanced sexuality in recovery
Capitol Hill Alano Club (CHAC).
Founded by Seattle’s recovering gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender community in 1982, the is committed to “Support twelve-step groups in their primary purpose of carrying their messages to those seeking recovery by providing a safe and permanent meeting place.” CHAC is a non-profit group which derives its income from monies collected for meeting space, member dues, and voluntary contributions from its general membership.
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Thursday, December 22nd, 2005
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3:13 pm - Day 12! Epic Nooner Share
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A sex-addict from NYC chaired
today and really got me thinking. I talked about what my Buddhism taught
me about compulsion. How the main goal of Buddhism was to put the 'fire'
out. Dukkha Satya truth of pain Samudaya Satya truth of
causations Nirodha Satya truth of cessiation and The Arya
Marga truth of the 8-fold path How to 'know' you are enlightened is
the main topic of the 3rd noble truth..Nirodha Satya. Nirvana has three
main charactoristicts: - Adosa = no attachment
- Adosa = no aversion
- Amoha = no doubt
Translated into the language of
modern behaviorism your reactions are beyond: a) the avoidence of pain b)the
persuit of pleasure c)the fear of change The Monkey on your back has a whip AND a carrot,
so you need to stop reacting to the carrot then the whip and
then the chattering monkey. You are either running away from your desires or towards them or vacillating
inbetween somewhere. This applies to sex as well as drink/drugs which has
always led me to suspect that Buddha might have been an alcoholic sex
fiend, after all he started out as a prince sequestered in a pleasure
palace! Later in my recovery
I began to download all sorts of three-way porn compulsively, specifically
male-male-female threesomes. This was probably just an exterior
manifestation of an inner shift. Taz needed more behavoural latitude i.e.
the need to behave with more receptivily, with more compassion, with more
fluidity, more intuitivly, with more sensitivity etc.
Fantasizing a female partner to help me feel
secure as I explored my receptive internal areas. Exterior addictions and compulsions where
suspicious reflections of some fundamental internal power
shifts. Desprately Seeking TAZ
One half trying to find and integrate with the other, using the world as a
mirror to gain glimpses itself finally united.
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Saturday, December 17th, 2005
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10:24 pm - Some Usefull Links for Michael
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10:08 pm - Day 7! Nibble Theory and Joni Mitchell Higher Power
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Found a couple of good blogs on this:
http://www.luannudell.com/blog/2004/09/25.html
and
http://www.vccaedu.org/inquiry/vcca-journal/johns.html
I like to think I'm a really BIG Circle, here's a story Mike!
I was in Cal Anderson Park and noticed the mountain fountain was off, so I
tried climbing the stones that are usually covered in running water. I got
about 3/4ths of the way up when I noticed the money in the fountain. Pennys
and silver, so I took the silver and left the pennys, it was about $1.50
just enough to get me cheap tobbaco! What luck right. But the change felt
funny in my hand, it was so...clean, but it tingled and felt lighter than
regular $. Then it dawned on me, 'This is WISH money!'. But I vwed to share
the tobbaco like a good 1/4 ojibway and be extra generous.
now the weird part:
I felt my HP telling me that in the game of life people are like the coins.
Some shiney nickels, dimes and quaters, but most are pennys, and when the
ship arrives for the 'next level' the penny's remain in the fountain of life
till they become more shiney and it is pretty easy for some folks to tell
the difference between pennys and and anything else, especially if they've always been shiney and sometimes something EXTRAORDINARY occurs and the
shiney ones are all next to each other at ONCE! Usually the N-Curve keeps
the shiney ones seperated and surronded by pennys except very rarely. So the
shiny ones can't figure out why they always feel so isolated even when in a
crowd.
The 'Nibble Theory' really helps me expand that dynamic.
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Thursday, December 15th, 2005
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5:53 pm - DAY 5!!!
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Took bus to Duvall for walk by the river but it got too dark. Picked up a King Co. Library card in Redmond so I'm now in the Duvall Library typing this. Beautiful round Moon over the town. Hope I don't miss the last buss out- a 929 at 6:10 pm.
Not as yippe-skippy as yesterday, but it was less teary.
HP I'll take another 24 please.
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Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
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6:08 pm - Day 4!
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I’d like to buy you everything
A wooden bird with painted wings
A window full of colored rings In morning, morgantown.
Sat by the lighthouse in Discovery park and cried for the first time since I can't remember when.
Just thinking of someone I used to love alot with this song in my head. Put a message in a bottle and threw it out on the calm sea. Found a full pack of smokes in the trash :) Then caught the #24 back to town.
But the only thing I have to give
To make you smile, to win you with
Are all the mornings still to live
In morning, morgantown
Totally calm on the sound with the Sun setting and the just full Moon rising
current mood:  moody
current music: Morning Morgantown
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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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4:14 pm
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I'm 3 days off the self-medicated anti-depressants. Cold sweats, I keeps falling asleep, non-stop vivid dreams, sudden anger and sudden depression. From experience the next 2 days will be the worst. I called sponsor in AM and saw him at meeting. I'll be ok. I just have to take things real slow. I found a seattle bus pass so i can ride around if i get too tired.
Went to 7am meeting @ Chutneys and Noon meeting at Capitol Hill Alano Club. Lots of Recovery Blogs on Blogspot.com http://evilpigtaz.blogspot.com/2005/12/aa-blog-links-blogspotcom.html
Here are my fav meetings http://evilpigtaz.blogspot.com/2005/12/fav-meetings.html
current mood:  stressed
current music: Holding Back The Years
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Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
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11:47 am - THEREFORE!
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11:35 am - Taz's Theory of Cerebral Evolution and the 3D Jesus
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Luke 19:1-10 [1] Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. [2] A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. [3] He wanted to see who Jesus was, but being a short man he could not, because of the crowd. [4] So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way. [5] When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, "Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today." [6] So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.
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